Ramblings...to keep me honest with my feelings...to mark my journey to where ever it may lead.

One month ago my father died and I miss him more than I ever thought possible.

I love you daddy.

I wish I knew what was going on inside my head. I'm no longer sure how I feel.

When I think about dad, even though I know I'm sad, I don't feel sad. I can't say that I'm happy although I'm not unhappy. I feel as if I'm just going through the days. In a way I guess I feel numb but it's not the same numb as I felt right after dad died.

My thoughts are so jumbled, my emotions churning, yet I can't read my own emotions. All I know is that I feel down and I want to crawl into the arms of my love and be held as I cry.

This afternoon was pretty rough. I thought of something stupid, not even important but I knew my dad would laugh at it, so I picked up the phone to call him and then I remembered....he's dead. I had to close my office door and compose myself, wipe the tears away, I couldn't fall apart at the office...my tears would need to flow but not until the work day was done.

Here I am trying to allow myself to heal by working through and letting myself experience the emotions surrounding grief and yet when I really needed to express them, to let myself cry, I couldn't.

Its strange, I don't talk about dad to anyone. I don't talk about my grief to anyone any more. 1) people have stopped asking and 2) I don't feel like anyone wants to listen and I'm not going to force anyone to listen to me. Could I talk to my love about what I am feeling? Yes, probably but she hasn't asked and I don't want to burden her with my grief - I'm suppose to be working this out on my own - I'm suppose to be experiencing "me time" and we've kinda put that aside and said when I need a night, I'll be given a night and I don't want her to think I need a night when I start breaking down crying. Plus, she's sick and the last thing she needs to do is worry about me when she's not feeling good. I refuse to put that kind of stress on her. I know she'd tell me she's a big girl and can take it and I know she is but I also know if the situation were reversed, she wouldn't do it to me - even though I'd tell her I wish she would have talked to me even when I was sick.

I feel so alone right now. I miss my daddy so much and my chest and heart feel so heavy. I need love...I'm in serious need of cuddling and love. I just want to be held. No words have to be spoken, just simply held.

I couldn't cry. It's the strangest feeling, wanting to cry, needing to cry, having all the emotions and feelings surrounding me when in the past I've cried, telling myself it's OK...if I need to cry then cry but no tears would flow.

I was in the shower and I started remembering walking into the trauma room and seeing dad laying on the table, mom at his side and Mark against the wall. Dad's body, laying on the gurney, a white sheet pulled over his chest. His head back, his mouth open...his lifeless body, laying there...and sadness overwhelmed me - yet I could not cry...i wanted to...my body was shaking...I felt the tears inside...yet I could not cry.

What is wrong with me that I can't cry? I feel guilty and sad inside because I can't shed a tear.

I've been doing some soul searching and I've discovered one aspect of my life that I'm not very proud of...and that is my selfishness. I never thought I was a selfish person and in most aspects I'm not but in one area I have been and that area is my time with my love.

She's given me time to look within myself, to help myself heal, time to grow. She's given me the freedom to have as much time as I need and yet when she's needed that same time, I've been selfish. I've pouted, I've resisted, I've whined, I've taken it personally and not given her the space she needs, the time she needs, the freedom she needs to grow.

It hurts to know that I've done this to the one person I treasure and love more than any other. I want her to be the best she can be. I want to support her and yet during the time she needs for herself, I've tried to take that away. To be honest, I never realized I was doing it or acting this way and now that I've realized how I've reacted, it hurts inside.

For someone who claims she doesn't have a lot of patience, she has shown more patience with me than what I deserve. When she says she loves me more, she has shown and proven it with her willingness to step back and give me the space to be me, she has shown and proven it with her actions, not just her words. Whereas I've said I'll support her and give her the time, yet I have failed to follow up my words with my actions.