wrangler054
Ramblings...to keep me honest with my feelings...to mark my journey to where ever it may lead.
love Today's been an interesting day. It's the first day since dad's death that I felt like myself. Yes there were moments when I was sad and as always I thought of dad but those thoughts didn't turn my feelings into heavy sadness. I know not every day will be like today, but I believe its a start in the healing process.
The start...the beginning of a long journey. Its a journey I feel like I am walking alone.
The one thing I did realize today is how much I am not going to like this "me time" if I can't have any time with my love. I'm using this time to grow, to learn about me, to heal but if this time means not having any time with my love, then I'm going to begin resenting and hating this "me time" and if I begin to do that, then my growth, my learning, my healing will be stunted.
I'm hurting from losing my father and now while I'm trying to heal from his death, I'm hurting because I feel like I'm losing my love. Now, instead of feeling like I lost the most important man in my life, I feel like I've also begun to lose the most important love in my life.
I was actually feeling good about today, now I fee like shit because my heart is aching from not having my love and from not having my father. Instead of embracing this "me time" I'm beginning to hate it.
FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT. I can feel this anger building inside me again and where I was looking forward to tomorrow and tackling a new day, now I'm dreading it. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
How do I balance the time I need for healing with the time I need with my love? How do I go about healing from the hurt and not hurt my love by not being with her? She says I'm allowed to be selfish and take this time for me but I don't want to be selfish, I can't be selfish. Why can't healing and being with her work together? She says she doesn't want to make this any harder on me but not hearing her voice, not getting an email from her, not having contact with her is hurting me and it is making it harder. I can't focus on healing when my heart is missing her, when my heart feels like its out of sync.
The start...the beginning of a long journey. Its a journey I feel like I am walking alone.
The one thing I did realize today is how much I am not going to like this "me time" if I can't have any time with my love. I'm using this time to grow, to learn about me, to heal but if this time means not having any time with my love, then I'm going to begin resenting and hating this "me time" and if I begin to do that, then my growth, my learning, my healing will be stunted.
I'm hurting from losing my father and now while I'm trying to heal from his death, I'm hurting because I feel like I'm losing my love. Now, instead of feeling like I lost the most important man in my life, I feel like I've also begun to lose the most important love in my life.
I was actually feeling good about today, now I fee like shit because my heart is aching from not having my love and from not having my father. Instead of embracing this "me time" I'm beginning to hate it.
FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT. I can feel this anger building inside me again and where I was looking forward to tomorrow and tackling a new day, now I'm dreading it. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
How do I balance the time I need for healing with the time I need with my love? How do I go about healing from the hurt and not hurt my love by not being with her? She says I'm allowed to be selfish and take this time for me but I don't want to be selfish, I can't be selfish. Why can't healing and being with her work together? She says she doesn't want to make this any harder on me but not hearing her voice, not getting an email from her, not having contact with her is hurting me and it is making it harder. I can't focus on healing when my heart is missing her, when my heart feels like its out of sync.
No Rants and Ramblingss - Rambling
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